Published September 22, 2008
Ask me no questions
I’ll tell you no lies
Share me no secrets
You’ll get no surprise
Wish for a quick death
Kill for the sky
Live for a brave fight
Or don’t even try.
Fight with your comrades
Laugh with your foes
Cry no tears, small child
As the bells begin to toll
When Death come’s a knockin’
Don’t answer the door.
Better left unsaid
Heed child, to the lore
As you lay in a dark hell
Laugh softly my love
Your honor you have torn
Those you lost rest above
______________________________
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives. -- Abba Eban
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140,552 Literary Works • 673,424 Reviews
I enjoyed your poem.
after that is said, I think it neccessary to say that the rhythm was good, the rhymes were good, and well,
this was a dark poem, abou tteh deaht of a soldier, but is this is a good thing, it kinda gives a glimpse of the horrors of war, in really cool verse
not much to say about his poem, except, good job, i suppose, and I woudl like to read more of your stuff.
Peace,
God
The first two lines are copied verbatim by the writer Oliver Goldsmith and I'm not sure why you decided to include them if he has nothing to do with this poem. If you made that statement up by yourself, then you don't have to change it; know, though, that it will leave some readers puzzled at why that quote is there.
What do secrets have to do with surprises? There is no connection and unless you have a reason for writing what you do, you should not throw in ideas and attach them without meaning.
Wishing for a quick death is contradictory in attitude to the later lines in this stanza "brave fight", etc. Once again, the reader is confused by the way this stanza makes no sense.
The bells represent death? That is a weak metaphor, but unfortuantely it's the only one I could perceive by reading this poem once through. Either way, the bells seem to have been put there just to rhyme. It shows, and that's never good.
There's no reason for Death to be personified (it's acceptable when you actually use the idea of embodiment of a concept to further the theme, but you have not done so) and there is no reason for the "n" to be left out of "knocking". This poem is making less and less sense as it progresses.
Good ending. I have no critiques for this part.
Is this supposed to be part of the poem?
A.L.I.Y.A.
i couldn't pick one line that was my favorite, they are all so clever and perfect, and i totally thought you had taken it out of a book! you are incredible!!! i am soooo jealous! I can't beleive i have the honor of calling you a friend, you are such an amazing and awesome person! i love you leela!!!!
THIS IS SO FREAKING INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU hoW AMAZING!!!!
i mean i knew you could write, but damn girl this is da BOMB!!!! you are a poet!!!
keep writing!!!!!
XD
i really liked this! you captured some amazing feeling and things to think about were commonly told
your rhyming is lovely and it really works with the piece.
the reader is involved and does think about what is being said.
i would say that sometimes the rhythm got slightly lost so just make sure its consistent
other than that, i love this!
especially the last line. very comforting
great work and hope i have been of some help!
I really enjoyed this poem, it held a great amount of feeling and imagery, something very important when writng poetry.
The one thing I will say is that I feel the rhythm is slightly out at times, and the fact that the third stanza doesn't follow the same rhyming pattern doesn't add to it, I'm afraid.
I loved the rhyming throughout the rest of the poem.
The first stanza was definitely the best for me, it really stood out.
In general, I thought this was a great piece of work, keep it up!
Good Luck!
Zomg gurl!!!!!!!! That was grreaatt!!!! the only critique i can give you is that you didnt explain how the soldier died.. its like you almost skipped a verse. but other than that, I thought it was totally awesome
I loved it!